How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means