I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text