You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.