My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Always 🥴
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?