KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I came this close!!!!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.