By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter