My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I think I’m having a stroke
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
PLOT TWIST:
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?