Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
new year update: losing everything but weight
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards