Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.