If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
12653.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I’m giving up for Lent.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.