me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
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Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
New Tinder profile.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
there’s probably a fee though