I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Siri, fight Alexa.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.