[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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A friend sent me this.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.