There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
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I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.