Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
huge if true: the moon
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
is this how new cars are made??
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.