It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Pass gas, not judgment.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”