I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”