Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.