If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch