If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.