The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
peak technology
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend