Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Air conditioning – not a fan
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
No. YOU-buprofen.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work