“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.