Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
This forever.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):