At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they鈥檙e gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there鈥檚 no reason to get angry.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don鈥檛 bother with a second.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I know we are at war here, but, who didn鈥檛 pick up after their dog?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.