my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.