Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness