Thrilling chase underway
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.