Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You Might Also Like
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
United Steaks of America
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”