Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
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He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking