Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.