If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
.. do you even science?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.