I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My neck my back my allergy attack
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same