GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
i made a craigslist ad !
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
That’s fair