I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”