I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
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Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Mission: Impossible
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?