The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter