Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
S O O N
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I have so many questions.
i was baptized in a car wash
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer