I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Not all heroes wear capes…
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”