This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
You Might Also Like
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Those are good neighbors.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.