I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible