Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
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i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Body by Oreos
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying