Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.