Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”