Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.