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Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
This is a whole mood;
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.