Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.