After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
You Might Also Like
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Bike is short for Bichael.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?