My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
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All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
buys donuts instead
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The point of your 20s
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh