We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I am, perchance
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him